46th Sunday of 11th Month of 2010th year....

Roseanne and I grabbed a quick bite and headed downtown after the early meeting to see Billy Elliot today. It is the first time I've been to our new Performing Arts Center and I was impressed. Except for the American Dance Festival and other University productions, we have had to go to our sister city to see any real shows so we are happy to have a place of our own. I wasn't quite sure exactly where the new center was so we headed downtown toward the old tobacco factories that have been "refreshed" into cool shops, restaurants, art galleries and there it was!The production company did a wonderful job and the musical was even more than I anticipated. Having seen the movie years ago, I was anxious to see how they would accomplish the story behind the dance and was blown away. I saw the movie on the TV so it must have been cleaned up because I didn't recall the "salty" language that was in the musical. There was such a long line waiting to get into the garage after the show we decided to sit by the fountain and enjoy the beautiful weather for awhile to wait.:-)The city has been working hard to get our downtown cleaned up and I've noticed some changes the last few times I've been down there. People walking around both day and night, small cafes open with tables outside, condos and apartments all making it the bustling place it was when I was a young girl. I can remember riding with my sister Rose when we would go downtown to pick her husband up from work - he was the manager of a shoe store and all the stores stayed open late some nights back then. What I really love is the marriage of the new buildings like DPAC with the old buildings like the tobacco factories and mill buildings. After I dropped Roseanne off to get her car I picked up a little supper for me and BigD. So ends another beautiful Autumn day and the 46th Sunday of the year.

Out with the old - in with the new.....

Like my Mom, I'm not one to discard things just because there is a new model somewhere. Having BigD for a husband adds to that because there are very few "things' he can't fix. When he gives up, you KNOW it's done, broke, dead. We live in a throw-away society - as soon as a new model of phone, TV, computer, camera or car comes on the market - we "have to have it". The reality of that is that by the time I can afford the new model, it has become the old model. As you already know, the first brand spanking new stove I ever owned is the one we have now - all the others were provided where we lived, we bought second hand or someone handed one down to us. The very first washer and dryers were the same - second hand until we bought the ones we have had for over 20 years now. Well BigD has finally decided it's time to give up, let ours retire and get new ones. At this point, it takes about 45 minutes or longer for rinse water to trickle into the machine. I don't know who hates shopping more - BigD or me. It turns out Bentley "loves" to research everything he purchases to the nth degree so I asked for his help. He called me back and gave me the model number of one he felt would be good. We aren't interested in a lot of bells and whistles - just quality, good rating and good price. We also wanted whoever brings them and installs them to take our old ones away. Well he came through with the information and I proceeded to order a Washer, Dryer and two pedestals which drove him crazy because the pedestals cost $299 each and he thought that was too expensive. He mentioned me having a stool on wheels where I could sit on and move back and forth. LOL Love that man but that just ain't gonna happen. :-)They are bringing them next Thursday and I can't tell you how excited I am. Ever since the new front loading machines with pedestals have come out I have been coveting them. They are energy efficient, blah, blah, blah but mostly you could get them on pedestals. I have always hated having to almost climb into dryers to get clothes out and the thought of just reaching in appeals to me on so many levels I can't even begin to explain. The pedestals are also used for storage so no more laundry detergent, stain remover, and dryer sheets stacked on top of the machines. Whoo Hoo!Well that worked out great but guess what? Bentley really is the researcher; bargain shopper; cheapskate, tightwad -oops - that just slipped out and those last two were HIS words - not mine. No - he called this morning to tell me it drove him crazy thinking we could have gotten a better deal. In his defense, he didn't realize I was going to purchase a dryer too so he decided to do a little more "research". His motto is "everything is negotiable" and I'm telling you he is a man after my Daddy's own heart because he had the same motto. Well - we called it something else back then but you get the picture. The pedestals were driving him crazy so guess what - he got them for $99 each instead of $299 each. He also found where the dryer was also on sale and long story short - they ultimately deducted $428.98 from my order!!!!! Whose the man!!!?? He was calling to get my credit card information so they could deduct it from the order - I was blown away. I called BigD and told him and we agreed we might be able to get a new refrigerator sooner than we anticipated. We need one really bad but we'll see. I did tell Bentley the kind I want which is expensive but since these appliances will probably be the last ones we purchase, we want good ones to last awhile. BigD told me to tell Bentley he has moved his phone number in his cell phone from "new" Bentley to "good" Bentley! Little private joke there. In the spirit of this being World Kindness Day - thank you Bentley for your kindnesses. Love you - 2lbs.

Things keep changing but staying the same....

I've been so busy lately I haven't really taken time to look around much. To say I've dug a rut and have been living in it is putting it mildly. Since I also don't always have control over my environment, I don't worry about it too much. Yesterday around the time the sun was going down, I went out to get the mail. BigD always gets the mail and it is something I have to remind myself to do when he is out of town. Every time I do, I notice how bare it looks around our house now. When the people started working on the road in front of our house several years ago, BigD and I let ourselves believe some "problem" issues were going to be fixed - including the drainage ditch the DOT dug along our property line years ago and never came back to complete. NOT! Instead they cut down most of our nice trees along with a few straggly ones and dug the ditch wider but never finished anything. The road was widened in the curve in front of our driveway but they put a drain hole in the wrong place so now our driveway is even more dangerous getting out of - especially if you need to turn left which is the way we turn most of the time. Next thing we know - they are gone, the road hasn't been completed and we learn both companies that were responsible for everything went bankrupt. On a positive note, they did clean out a "natural" area in the front yard that looks better. So I don't have pretty trees to look at when I am in bed - just a few small trees with very few branches or leaves. The little strip of trees on the other side of the ditch are on our property and I know the neighbor probably wishes we would cut it down but without those, we wouldn't have any trees to look at out our front windows and that is totally unacceptable.Every time I pull out of my driveway and look at this sad excuse for a tree, I think of Ms. Johnson. She would cry to see what her granddaughter and her husband let someone do to what once was a gorgeous, huge Magnolia Tree. I used to slip over and cut the flowers (with her permission) and float them in a large fishbowl with black marbles. They would make the house smell so good. The next door neighbor moved away but rents out his house and they don't mow their part of the side and back yard that touches ours so the back yard is quickly becoming "natural" again. Oh well......At least I can still see the moon as it rises while the sun sets and there are a few tree tops to look over. The sun setting is still gorgeous and the sky is still clear. I always think about whether BigD, Page or Kurt are looking at the moon when I am and it makes me feel closer to them. BigD still isn't all about yard work and never has been but neither am I so even though some things change - others remain the same.

and one more thing....

If anyone is wondering if I've had a productive day since I stayed in all day - the following will answer that question as of this moment. I can't promise what the next few hours will bring but it isn't looking real good at the moment. It is almost 5:00pm and I'm already thinking about how good Papa John's Delivery Pizza is going to taste with that bottle of KJ I have in the fridge. I know, I know -it's 5:00pm somewhere but we do have to draw the line somewhere don't we? Or do we?

exist, existing, existence...

"To live at a minimal level; subsist; to continue to be; to persist as in old customs still exist in rural areas or they were working for a better existence…..” Sometimes we find ourselves so caught up in "getting through each day" we forget to live each day to the fullest. When I was working as an executive in a high pressure industry, I worked hard to not wish my life away. By that, I mean I tried to live in each day completely and fully instead of falling into the trap of "boy - I can't wait for Friday to get here syndrome". It wasn't easy and took a conscious effort to accomplish that and sadly, like everyone else, I failed a lot of the time. The one area I was more successful with in doing this is when my children were little. I worked at appreciating every precious moment I had with them - realizing how quickly they aren't little ones any longer. When they were little ones, I would hold them for hours as they slept, breathing in that delicious baby smell, feeling their soft skin against mine, kissing their little necks while rubbing or patty their backs to keep them sleeping. Looking at this picture of Page2 helping her Mom babysit their friends older dogs brings home to me how quickly she is growing up. Her wonderful Mom has always tried to keep me in the loop of her everyday life as much as possible but it seems she has changed so much each time I see her lately. People who have known us for a long time, remember how my Page was always so close to me. Even after she got married, she would sometimes come in and plop down in my lap for a few minutes - especially if she was sick. It felt as normal to me then as it did when she was a baby and "refused" to let me put her down for even a few minutes. I would put her in her little infant seat and sing and talk my head off to her while trying to wash dishes or get a shower while she would scream for me to pick her up. Being as little as she is makes it easy for Page2 to still climb into my lap too. Poor Kurt still "wants" to climb into my lap but it isn't that easy these days. :)Ann posted pictures of her babies on her blog today while talking about how big they are getting. I know she is treasuring every single moment with them as babies - it is something a woman will never regret - taking the time to enjoy their babies. BigD is down at I.T.'s cottage with his friends fishing this weekend. The weather is gorgeous and last night he sounded so happy - they had a great day on the water, caught some fish, were eating a great supper and getting ready to sleep and get ready for today. When we used to break away from work once or twice and year and go down to OBX with GG and Papa - it was wonderful being on the boat (no cell phones back then), nothing but the ocean, the sky, the breeze, the little islands near the bridges, the birds, and either relaxing conversation or no conversation at all.A fellow blogger who lives in Paris allowed me to "share" a picture of poppies she took beside the railroad tracks. I do so love poppies...Just looking at this picture makes me want to do more than just exist - it makes me feel alive. Kind of like the scoota-pootin trip I took yesterday. Yeah- I started realizing how much I needed that little scoota when I arrived at my Oncologist's office for my regular appointment and was told - "no - your appointment isn't until December 2nd - oh my - you are the 4th person to come in here today and the doctor isn't even in today". Okay - I'm trying to NOT be paranoid but can all 4 of us be wrong? So I took a different route and it was lovely - the trees are really starting to burst out with color - more than the one or two we have been seeing. I came home, studied for the meeting and was getting ready to get dressed and grab a bit to eat when my oldest female cousin on my Mom's side called. Oh My! I was so excited because I haven't talked with her in years. Then she told me her reason for calling - she was down taking care of our family member's graves and she wanted me to know that Ann's grave has collapsed! Her grandson said he could see a corner of the vault! Then we talked for over an hour so I had to choose between eating, getting dressed and missing an hour of the meeting or calling in to listen over the phone which isn't the same but at least I got the whole meeting. After the meeting - I shot off emails to the local funeral home who took care of everything and this morning had emails assuring me the funeral home down in the country will have it taken care of right away. I know these things happen but you would have thought that stupid man at the church would have told me. Oh wait - what am I talking about? He is the rudest person I've ever had to deal with so it only follows he wouldn't care about it - I mean - it's not his problem. Okay - feel better now. I had one of those nights last night and the last time I looked at the clock it was almost 3am. Since I slept late, I decided to stay in today and get some things done that have been needed doing for quite some time. SO - that brings me back to exist, existing, existence. So even though I'm broke, I ordered tickets for me and Roseanne to see Billy Elliot the Musical at DPac downtown. Ever since I saw the movie, I have been a fan of the show. Everyone who has seen it says it is wonderful so we decided to "just do it"!!!! Since we are going to the Matinee, we will go to the North Congregation's meeting in the morning with Katarina and her family so that will be fun too. Yeah - that's a lot more than existing....it's living the moment.
Oh - and one more thing - if I happen to repeat myself from time to time on my blog - don't feel you have to mention it to me. No - really - just skip over those parts. Oh - and one more thing - if I happen to repeat myself from time to time on my blog - don't feel you have to mention it to me. Just skip over those parts. :) And if I happen to use the same picture more than once - you don't need to mention that either. I'm tired of looking back through ALL my entries to see if I'm repeating something. I'm going to be 64 in a few weeks and I'm entitled to repeat myself any time I want to. I've lived long enough to have quite a few memories and if some of them keep popping into my head and I want to share them - I will. And Roseanne - I'm sorry I keep calling you Rosemary in some of my blogs - I really am but now you know how "Shirley" feels don't you? LOL

1972 - It was a very good year......

It was a very good year - my sweet Page was born in January of that year. It was a very cold day and my DUE date. I can remember BigD driving me down main street that cold Saturday morning just like it was yesterday. I lost my first baby in 1968 when we lived in Norfolk, VA. BigD was in the Navy and we lived in a furnished apartment for 6 months before he was sent out for a longer tour again. I was excited but nervous when I found out I was pregnant. We had lived way out in the country for awhile and had just moved back into town into a nice townhouse apartment. The doctors assured me that I needn't worry because I had lost my first baby so then I felt excited. That didn't last long and soon I was on bed rest, taking shots, more bed rest, premature labor, more bed rest and then things settled down a bit. Once we passed the danger point of early delivery, almost everyone was ready for the baby to come but NO - she waited for her due date. That's my southern daughter - she knows a lady is never early - maybe on time or fashionably a few minutes late but never early. We were excited for so many reasons - she was healthy, she was beautiful and she was a SHE. I never even picked out a boy's name because I wanted a little girl so bad. BigD was excited because she didn't have a nose or chin like Uncle Jimmy's. Sorry Uncle Jimmy :-). The picture above was taken at Sears around April of 1973 - She was about 14 months old. Normally she was a pretty happy little girl but not this day. You can't see it but I had to sit right beside the table with her sitting partially on the table and partially on my knees. I felt like a contortionist by the time they were through taking the pictures. If you look closely, you can see where she had been crying which always made Mama "go awwww - poor thing". I guess Page felt how much I treasured her and noticed that I didn't let her out of my sight too often. Some people have said I have always been an over-protective Mom but that was their opinion. I had my own opinions about what we owe our children who didn't ask to be born into this harsh world and tried to live up to the standards I set for myself. I'm
sure I failed in many areas but it wasn't from lack of trying so if you can think of some - please keep them to yourselves - I did the best I could and I personally thing they are wonderful adults so hopefully I had something to do with that. As a matter of fact, the first time I left her with anyone was 5 months later when I was the matron of honor in my close friend's wedding. I pumped some milk and left her with my mother-in-law who adored her. As I look at the picture of myself in my pretty green dress (Judee's mom Mae made it for me out of the same pattern she made the bridal gown) with the yellow daisies in my hair, I can see why a young boy at the KH looked at me walking down the aisle and said "look Mom - Mother Nature". As I recall, I stuck my tongue out at him. I cut that dress off and hemmed it and wore it for quite a few years. I also realize how ridiculous I was at this time because I actually thought I was fat here. These pictures were taken in the courtyard of The Country Squire which was a wonderful restaurant Judee's dad - I.T., co-owned. We both worked there - she was the cashier and I would occasionally fill in as a hostess back when we were pioneers. I just realized I don't have a picture of the restaurant and wish I did now that it no longer exists. Another thing that year brought was the lovely Diane - she and Rick got married a month after Page was born and he was the best man in the same wedding. His Mom is my Spiritual Mom and he has always been like a brother to me. His other two brothers moved away so it has been up to him to keep up with his parents and their health. He and Diane are both pioneering now as well as working on the RBC which keeps them very busy. I have such great memories of our many beach trips with the other 3 families giving our children wonderful memories of their childhood. It was a very good year....

Grief, Loss, Mourning........

What a beautiful woman - and one who will be missed by many -especially her dear husband. Lora called to let me know that Pat died around 8:55am this morning. This is a picture I took of her last November when she came for the special luncheon. I am so glad I got to spend some time with her this past week. I passed the information on to another of the wonderful friends who was at the luncheon to get the news to the others. I will contact Cat myself since we spoke about her last night. There were others at the luncheon much older so I was a little surprised that she was the one we lost first. Okay - this is the fourth loss since July 28th - and this one took place in the same room as Ruth's brother at hospice. It felt so strange to be back in that room so soon and for a few minutes I almost had a panic attack. I am still home with that nasty migraine and yucky stomach so have too much time on my hand to feel sorry for myself. Have been having a pretty big pity party and decided to look up some information on grief to see if it would help. These are the top three sites I looked at and they all had some good information - some of it overlapping. I already knew all of this but it helped a little to read it again. For anyone who needs it - here are the sites: https://health.google.com/health/ref/Grief; http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief
I also looked at the following poem by Gwen Flowers on grief. I thought it was nice.
Grief
by Gwen Flowers
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

I communicated with Ann's daughter-in-law last night and today. Michael is walking without a cast and even though he isn't competing next Saturday in Ohio, he is being inducted into the Karate Hall of Fame. He has to make an acceptance speech so I know Naoki will get pictures and hopefully a video of it. Talking with her made me realize I haven't really dealt with (adjusted, accepted, absorbed) the loss of Ann, I am also feeling deep empathy and grief for Ruth and Eileen and their losses, grieving with Gail for Pat as well as anticipating the loss of Jeri. I'm hoping this bad headache and yucky tummy will be gone by tonight and tomorrow will be a good day. BigD is home, I just talked to my beautiful daughter, all my children will be with me in a few weeks in one of my favorite places so I'm thinking - life is good, life is good. Love you Pat.......