wordless wednesday........

So many emotions........

How is it possible to experience such deep sorrow followed soon after by a happy feeling about something else? It is hard to explain our reactions to life's events at times. I do think it is true that what doesn't kill/destroy us can make us stronger. The being stronger of course comes from the endurance of something hard and coming out the other side intact (and maybe a little wiser). Of course, the older you get, life teaches you the hard way that you can (and will) endure things you might have never dreamed would even happen in your life. I suffered off and on from severe anxiety most of my life without really understanding exactly what it was. I finally saw a commercial with Lucinda Bassett and ordered her tapes. I listened to them and then returned them (they were way too expensive) but I was on my way to understanding what anxiety truly is. Then I purchased a smaller package she had that had a part about fear of flying and between that and some other reading, I came up with exercises, both breathing and mental, that helped me work through things in a healthy and rational way. Learning what agoraphobia really is set me free. I'm very happy we went up to see Douglas, Jessie and Page this weekend. We got on the road Saturday and stopped by the farm to see Ennis on our way out of town. I'm so glad Judy was there and we could hold on to each other for a little while. It brought back painful memories of another time with the two of us being together in the same living room watching someone else in a hospice bed while counting down the last hours and minutes of a beloved ones life. I am glad I was able to kiss Ennis one last time and whisper into her ear how much I loved her and would miss her. Since we had to make a stop in Roxboro, we hooked the GPS up and went on a real adventure. The countryside was gorgeous but it got a little crazy with the GPS having us do u-turns and taking us back and forth until we found the right highway.

I didn't realize how much weight Vincent had lost this year. I know he is 15 years old now but it made me a little sad. I am glad he wanted to lay on me for a little while but it was too hard for him to jump up in my lap - especially in my "chair" but I did enjoy rubbing him a little.

I took a picture of Page in her new hat that Pam made her. She liked it a lot and it will look nice with her new blue coat.

I love the pajamas and robe Kelly bought Page. Leah proceeded to show me the rest of the outfits Kelly had bought Page from Garnet Hill and I loved every one of them. She really has wonderful taste and a knack for buying the correct size for everyone.

I was so glad to see Jessie's Mom, Dad, Aunt and Uncle who also came over for dinner. Jessie's Mom bought Page a gift for making such good grades.

She and Page had been to a festival of sorts and met an older woman in a wheelchair who made a hand made music box. Page fell in love with it but the woman had already promised it to someone else. Jessie's Mom secretly had the woman make this one just like it for Page which really excited her. Her Mom also brought me a lovely gift - this beautiful orchid. 

We laughed because neither one of us knows anything about taking care of an orchid but she said maybe Jen would be able to help me since she used to raise them. I will give Jen a little time before asking her about it. Of course Doug and Jessie outdid themselves with the dinner they fixed.

Dwight said Douglas aced the BBQ chicken. He also grilled flat-iron steaks and hot dogs. Jessie's Uncle made a carrot cake and everyone said it was delicious.

Carmen couldn't wait for me to hear Page play the guitar. She is excited because the lessons she has been paying for all this time are paying off. She actually plays very well. Then Page brought out this little "quaint" banjo and you would not believe how good it sounded when she played it. Amazing. I slept okay in my chair after we put extra quilts in it. Sadly, I received a text message a little after 4am letting me know Ennis had died a little before 4am Sunday morning.  There is a big hole in my heart right now.  The family took very good care of her and I know she would have been proud of them.

We all went over to Ikenberry's Orchard before leaving the area Sunday and I bought some unique gourmet bubble gum.  Dwight was hoping to buy some pear preserves but that was the one thing they didn't have.  Poor thing - he had his mouth all ready for some. 

I also bought some Horehound candy.  My Grandma King used to have these candies and would share them with us from time to time.

They are very soothing to my dry mouth and raw throat so I'm enjoying them. Douglas was very disappointed that the crepe truck wasn't at the orchard while we were there. Evidently it showed up a little after we left and they were able to enjoy some crepes.

Jessie said Page got a fresh strawberry and Nutella crepe with powdered sugar on top. Double Yum.  The ride home went okay - I was getting pretty tired but my car seat goes back far enough I am able to get a little more comfortable.  Jen sent a text message telling me the family would be at her house to eat and would we try to stop by on the way home.  It felt good to be with everyone for a little while. I am sorry I didn't get to see Judy but she was beat and had gone home to sleep.  Tony said they would decide how things would be handled after the SAD next weekend.

The one last highlight was being able to not only see the new baby but to hold her. What a delicious little bundle and so pretty. Her name is Paisley - how sweet it that? Her Mom was hoping she would wake up soon to nurse. Brought back good memories of when my babies were little. And so ....... life goes on........

Memories of the lush greens of ......

I was reading a blog today and looking at the pictures of the lush greens of the English countryside and it made me remember mine and Marlan's trip across the pond.  We stayed in a beautiful 500 year old stone cottage that used to be a carriage house on the tidal River Severn.

So I went to Google and found the exact place we stayed in. Ain't technology grand? It is so funny to look down on this exact spot and know it was taken from high above. I just noticed part of the stone wall is no longer there. There is also a wire fence in the yard now. I wonder what happened? Maybe I'll email Rosie and ask her. I think they have also painted the outside wall yellow since we were there. What a wonderful adventure we had - good memories. We have an open invitation to go back but I don't see it anywhere in my near future. I just had the urge to fix myself a "cuppa tea". Want to join me?

Little update about babysitter......

Had a nice long chat with Zandra about her coming up to "babysit" me next month while Dwight goes fishing. I'm quite excited about seeing her.  It has been way too long.  I started looking at a new blog and before I knew what was going on - I was lost in blogville - I'm hooked on all the blogs of people from Great Britain.  I've always been drawn to that culture and even more so now that I've had the unique experience of "living there" for two weeks in a quaint little village with Marlan.  Every time I read one, I find another one and off I go into "good memory land".  I've got to stop this because I'm spending way too much time on the computer because of this.  Oh well - ....maybe one more entry. :)

Last day of October, 2012......

It has been a long time since anyone came here for treats. Between it being too dangerous to walk in front of our house and our not having the outside lights on has meant we haven't had "treaters" for years now. It is also pretty cold out there tonight so we definitely aren't expecting anyone. I only had one appointment this week - acupuncture yesterday. It went okay. She is pretty booked next week so it will more than likely be another week before I go again. It did help though - I had spit yesterday and most of today. I am having to chew Biotene gum right now though. I got the information for my appointment next month with the Lymphoma Oncologist at Duke and I really hope I like her. I have to go and sign a release at the other cancer center tomorrow so she can get all my medical records regarding the lymphoma before I see her.

Jessie sent me this picture of Page in her new "meeting" coat. I like it. She also told me a Page story. It has to do with hat day at school and the unique way Page decided to wear two different kinds of hat at one time. Oh yeah.....that's our girl. We are definitely driving up Saturday to spend the night with them and I can't wait to see all of them. I think they are going to cook BBQ chicken and hopefully, her Mom and Dad will join us. I am looking forward to being with all of them. It has been way too long. Hopefully it isn't going to be too cold - I'm pretty much cold all the time anyway these days. Dwight just asked me to find out if Zandra would like to come "baby-sit" me next month for him to go fishing. Since he is only going to be gone the weekend, I doubt she will come for that. I'll have to ask Geral if she will be available. That reminds me, I need to ask Debbie if she can come by Saturday and give Miya her medication. It will be good practice for her for when we are gone for a week. I have mixed feelings about leaving her alone that whole week. I know you think that is silly but she is our baby. I feel sorry for people who don't love their cats. I am also hoping we can get out to see Ennis in the next few days. I found out she is home now and I really, really want to see her.  It is so hard being dependent on others to get around for every little thing.  I will be so glad when I'm off the Oxy and can get around by myself again. I know poor Dwight will be happy too. He is pretty much trapped by my situation and has been wonderful about it. 

Only two more months and 3 days left in 2012...

Yep - here we are at the end of the 10th month of 2012.  I'm not going to  spend too much time lamenting about how fast time goes by since I've gotten older. You would think it has inched by since I've been sitting in this chair for a little over a year now. So hard to believe it has been a little over a year since I was diagnosed, the surgery, the radiation and all the little things that keep cropping up.  At times it has felt like one step forward and two steps back.  That isn't true any longer but I am starting to feel that every time I think I'm really on the mend, something new crops up.  Hopefully the test for my ability to swallow will tell us something that will make it better.  I only have one medical appointment next week - acupuncture - and I'm happy about that.  We are both pretty tired of trips every week for medical appointments.  I threw up again tonight for no good reason.  That is the second time in less than a week.  Oh well - again - one day at a time...right? Good night (morning) everyone.....

Some memories are good and some are hard......

I am all about having good memories and can honestly say, my good ones far outweigh the bad ones for the most part.

This picture is one of those that bring up good feelings. Dwight loved my Mama and she definitely loved him. She also loved to make his face and ears turn red with her "salty" jokes from time to time.

This one also brings good memories because it was taken when I got married. She worked nights but went in late this particular Friday night so she could be at our little wedding. I think she was very happy when I married Dwight.  I remember this dress - it was brown wool and looked so good on her.

This one was taken around the same time as the one above but was taken on a Saturday - not a Friday. See the difference in her hair? Back then, women got their hair done on Saturdays and it had to last until the following Saturday. I enjoyed wearing this suit also - loved the color on her.

This one was taken with her youngest brother whom she loved dearly. He was ten years younger than she was but his health was never very good (he was born premature) so she was always protective of him. He called her his Doodley. The nickname stuck between them until she died. I have the cigarette lighter he gave her one Christmas with her name "Doodley" engraved on it. She loved it.  She also let him name me Patricia - he always called me his "Patericka".  I remember not liking my name and asking Daddy why in the world he let him name me that. Daddy said, "I know - I never really liked that name very much either so that is why I gave you the middle name of Jane."  I remember thinking to myself - "yeah - great - I'm Patericka plain Jane". I actually don't mind my name anymore. It must have been a popular name during those years because I know quite a few people who are around my age with the name Patricia but haven't really heard it in the many years since then. Mama always called me Tricia or Triciajane unless she had called me to come several times and then it would be Patricia Jane which meant don't make me call you again. :)  Today brings our one sad memory regarding her because she died 18 years ago today.  It had been a gorgeous Autumn and her view outside her bedroom window was of a big tree full of bright yellow leaves. Most of us were with her when she died in her and Daddy's bed with us all telling her how much we loved her.  Even with the hope of the resurrection, the death of a dearly loved one is still very hard because we miss them so much.  Jessie has always been sad that she never got to meet  her because Douglas has always talked about her a lot.  I guess that tells you a little bit about her - we still talk about her and miss her.  Miss you Mama.......