Winding down..........and confession

How sad is it that I'm just sitting here waiting until I can take more pain medication? I can't help but wonder if coming off the patch has made it harder to control with just the oxy. Or could it really just be what went on yesterday with all the stretching and exercises. Either way - it sucks. I want to be asleep and stay asleep for longer than an hour. So I'm going to sit here and do some deep breathing while I type and try to wind down so when the meds start working, I'll go to sleep. My confession is - my memory is still not great. I have to go back and try to figure stuff our from previous posts sometimes. The good thing is once I read it, I usually do remember it - or at least most of it. I guess I am experiencing in a limited way what my beautiful sister-in-law has been experiencing for a few years now. For example, last Friday I wrote about Dwight going fishing and my dear friend Geral staying with me. It turns out, Geral stayed both Monday and Tuesday night. We had so much fun getting caught up. On Tuesday, I uploaded all her pictures from her big trip to India and made a little collage of a few of them.This was actually a dream she got to fulfill - seeing the Taj Mahal. The bottom left picture in the collage is showing how it was so hot, the heel of her tennis shoe melted off. The little pink thing above it is a public bathroom. Uh - yeah - she said it was about as much fun as it looked. I love the picture taken from a window and the one showing the reflection in her sun glasses.  There were so many more but there isn't enough room. Dwight came home on Tuesday and she stayed over that night also.  They had fun getting caught up and eating dinner together. I hated to see her go but she told Dwight to go fishing anytime he wants to and she will come stay with me.  I sent her home with tons of clothes for her yard sale and any that Sheila might want. I also sent Sheila my bathing suit that looks like a dress over it. Sheila said she really likes it. Dwight told me he is very pleased with where GG is.  I made a collage that gives you an idea. He sent me the top right picture when he got ready to cross the bridge and the one of GG in a white shirt was from when they had lunch together.  We have been taking long ways home from appointments to try and build up the length of time I can ride in a car so I can go with him down to see her sooner than later. The other pictures are ones taken by her son on his cell phone the first week she was there. It is a very nice place and she seems to be adjusting. She is quite healthy but was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several years ago.  As much as everyone hated it had come to this - everyone can breathe easier knowing she is safe. Dwight said she walked him to death.  She has been walking regularly for years and doesn't know what pace yourself means.  Okay - time for my medication so I will sign off and stop rambling on and on. Dwight has been snoring for several hours now.

Pain, exhaustion and encouraging visitors....

Yesterday was a busy day - had my first appointment with Jennifer in the morning. We had to wait over an hour because they were so busy. The really good thing about her is you are never made to feel like she is rushing you out just because she is already running behind. If anything, I was rushing her because I felt so bad. I had taken the paper to her with the obituary of a patient of theirs. It turned out, I recognized him from my freshman and sophomore year of high school. He died from cancer and the obituary mentioned both she and my oncologist with gratitude for everything they did for him. When I gave it to her, she teared up pretty bad but was very grateful to me for sharing it with her.  As I recall, he was always a nice guy. His brother was a wonderful athlete and even handsomer than he was. She was happy to hear that I am now off my blood pressure medicine and had cut back on another one. She told me I wouldn't start feeling better from being off the Fentanly patch for about 10 more days. Evidently it builds up in your system.  I can't wait to see if it the change is significant. Now I'm cutting another pill in half and will be working on getting off that one over the next few weeks. I had a few episodes and we were both exhausted when we got home. We both fell asleep and thank goodness Dwight's phone rang and woke us up in time to make it to my afternoon therapy appointment. Wow - it was a pretty intense session. They had me doing stretches that are all but impossible. We were there for almost two hours. Today I have really been paying for it. I can hardly make it four hours between my pain medication. It was so bad earlier that I got a little emotional at one point. I was down so I called Kelly to chat with  her and then got kinda weepy after I hung up because I had let her know I felt bad. I try not to do that too much. I told Dwight that I had a little private pity party and then made myself snap out of  it. About that time Sandy called to say they were on their way over after picking up their lunch. We had arranged for her to come today and bring her bible study with her. Her study and I have a few things in common from when I first started studying and even now. I was excited on many levels to see them. It has been too long since I've seen Sandy. (picture top left) She looks great - her hair is shorter than this picture and is very flattering. She is studying with her Mom's sister - Tani.(picture lower right) I can't remember the last time I saw her but she is doing so well. She loves what she is learning and we talked about having an older sister who had tried to talk to us about things for years before we studied. Also the fact her husband isn't interested now - and how to communicate without coming across as preachy. It is always good to see Judy. (picture lower left) She is very happy about Tani studying and loving what she is learning. Everyone talked openly and freely. You sure can tell they are all three related can't you? Sandy asked me again to please get Kelly's phone number to her. She just wants to get caught up. I can't believe I still haven't done that. I explained that I have to get her permission to give her number to anyone but I totally keep forgetting to mention it. I called and left a message to call me but I'm not sure she got it since it was her work number. Will try to remember to call her later. Sandy has aided so many people to accurate knowledge, dedication and baptism. I'm very proud of her. I hope they will come back again. It was very encouraging to me. I had to take my pain meds as soon as they left and have been trying to finish studying for the meeting tonight. I so hope I'll be able to stay for the entire meeting. Alice is going to ride with us to Wake Forest on Sunday. Hopefully there will be enough people to make it nice. I'm just not up to putting the work into it that I did last year. Amy sent an email letting everyone know she was bringing enough food for Dwight. She sounded pretty good.  So - it is 6:16pm and I'm not due pain meds until 7:00 at the earliest and am exhausted to the nth degree.  Will have to be a little late for the meeting but still planning to be there.  Thank you Judy, Tani and Sandy for your encouraging visit.  Next time I'll try to do what Dwight told me to do this time and let other people have their turn. :)

Pedicure.......

I am so happy I got to the meeting today. I studied my WT yesterday and had everything set up so I could get there.I took a picture of the outfit I wore today. Thank you Patsy - everything fit very well. My plan was to stay for the whole meeting. Sadly, I learned the hard way that will not be possible unless I purchase the zero gravity chair. After sitting upright for about an hour, I am in bad shape. Kim came over to speak to me when I first got there. I was glad because I wanted to ask her if she would cut my toenails and polish them like she did for Geri. She said she would be happy to do it after the meeting. Color me happy. Then she and Drea came over and sat with me. She noticed right away when I started having a little distress. I went to the bathroom thinking I would just go ahead and get through an episode and that would be it. Nope - didn't work. I finally gave up and she offered to bring me home. I think I waited too long because I really had to lean back as soon as I could. I wish I had gotten a picture of her dress and shoes - so pretty. She came over after the meeting and brought all her "stuff" to give me a "real" pedicure. While she was here, Drea came over to visit while she finished up. I told Drea today about knowing her Dad and his first wife many years ago. I also told her how sweet her Dad had always been and she agreed. She got his height and her sister is very short like their Mom. Drea said she was glad she got her Dad's height. One funny thing - Dwight had to pull my tank top over my head to get it off. Reminded me of the day Kelly and I were trying clothes on in the living room and she had to pull my top over my head every time I tried one on. It was another beautiful day with some coolness in the air in spite of the hot sun. Hope it will stay like this awhile longer. Dread the really hot weather we usually get. Page called me from her new cell phone. I sent her a text message and she was happy to learn how to do that too. She is growing up too fast. Lori called again - they are definitely coming one weekend in July. We are looking forward to seeing them. Faye called to see if I plan to go to the family reunion next Sunday. She said Sidney told her he didn't want to go. Alice told her that Monica and hubby would take her down. Faye was worried because she doesn't want to go if some of the rest of us don't. I assured her that I was going for a short period of time. I think Douglas, Jessie and Kelly plan to go too but I'm not sure.

Oops - just lost another day.....

I' I have lost more time. For some reason I thought today was Saturday. It could be a lot worse. I got an email from Faye asking me about directions to the family reunion this year. I responded with a
copy to my cousin Evelyn telling her that she will have to give us all the address since my GPS was stolen when my car was broken into. It will be so hard not having Dwayne with us. He and his siblings were always making sure everything was set up and going right. Last year we had it in a new place and because of their hard work, it went very well. We talked one time about how our Mom's would be disappointed in us if we didn't continue this tradition with our families. I can't remember my Mom missing any of the family reunions she went to.  I love the picture of Dwayne and his beloved Joy. The one in the yellow shirt shows the brown eyes most of us got from our Perkinson side.  He got his height from his beautiful, sweet Mom. The one with me in the middle shows Evelyn beside me.  I'm really looking forward to seeing Aunt Eunice and her family.  When Dwayne and I found out we both had been diagnosed with cancer, it was a shock.  Sadly, cancer is a word that is all too familiar to dear Evelyn.  It was such a shock with Dwayne - he has always been a healthy person and when his rib broke when he bent over on the lawnmower to pick up a stick, it led to the diagnoses. He was in Stage 4 and  didn't respond well to treatments.  After I found out about him, I called and we spoke briefly.  I look back and try to remember more about it. I was in such a bad place myself at the time, I doubt I will ever recall everything. When I let myself think about it, I have to move my mind away pretty quick.  I am looking into getting one of the zero gravity chairs I've heard about. I think it would come in handy at the meetings and would allow me somewhere to sleep if we went out of town.  I've looked on-line and found I can get one much cheaper than I first thought. I do want a good one though. If it works like I hope, I will be able to sit comfortably for longer periods of time. I'm thinking positive now. If this chair works out, I'll be able to take it to the reunion.  I would also take it down East when we go to visit GG.  And maybe take it to the convention so I can sit for longer periods of time.  We'll see.  Dwight really wants to go fishing next week. After today, I realized he "needs" to go fishing in a big way. He asked me to look at some of his invoices and then got quite agitated about how he wanted to communicate with a customer. It took me awhile but I think I have it all worked out so he can go. Deb will spend Monday night with me but is going down East Tuesday. JudyC can't help because her hubby is having a colonoscopy. Yikes. Whew - Geral is going to spend the night with me Tuesday and take me to my early morning appointment at Duke on Wednesday. I'm glad I thought about her because I've really been missing her lately. I love this picture of her with out beloved Jeri. Hopefully Dwight will be home in time to take me to the afternoon appointment but if not, she said she would. "Problem solved!" I cancelled the therapy appointment on Thursday. I'm going to try to leave Thursdays open so I can feel like going to the meeting that night. I also cancelled it because I want to be home when Sandy brings her study over. I'm really looking forward to sitting in on this particular study with her Aunt. Dwight is eating his prime rib, fries and nice salad from Outback. He said it is real good. He is very excited about going fishing and I'm very happy it worked out.I will close this with a picture Patsy sent me from her "cottage by the sea". They are painting it this beautiful blue. The trim she picked out is going to look fabulous!!! They are getting closer and closer to when they will move down for good. I know she is getting so excited! Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight. I haven't been as active today but plan to rectify that tomorrow. "Buenas noches"

Acupuncture and Lymphoma Oncologist...

Interesting day I guess. I did learn a valuable lesson today - don't schedule any afternoon appointments on Thursdays. Especially if you have morning ones also. We started this morning with my Acupuncture. My pain has been pretty significant again lately. When I described it - she became very proactive and took a long time to work on the scar tissue behind my scar.

Dwight came in to get a few pictures when she finished. That is hard for him because he really hates needles of all kinds. I need to schedule an appointment for next week and then she will be going on vacation. We talked about my doing one more therapy session with the physical therapists and then just continue doing it myself. I noticed today that the fluid seems to be trapped right under my ear. It was very painful this afternoon. We came home for an hour and then went to my second appointment with my Lymphoma Oncologist. My numbers still looked good. Even better - my blood pressure was great!  I let them know I would be getting a Cat Scan on the 29th.  I am grateful that nothing has changed significantly in this area. By the time we got home, my pain was at an all time high so Dwight rushed to the drug store to get me some liquid Tylenol.  Thank goodness I can take that between my Oxy. I went to sleep and slept through the first part of the meeting.   That was disappointing since I was all prepared to go tonight.  Dwight felt like I needed the sleep more. I wore one of my new outfits Kelly ordered for me from JJill today.  Thankfully, I have no appointments for tomorrow. Kelly called and we had a nice long chat about something going on at work.  She wanted my advice on a Human Resource subject.  We brainstormed a bit and she worked through how she was going to handle things.  Such a smart young woman.  I told her that her Dad talked to Matt about building a ladder to use when we are down at the coast in August.  We can put the ladder in the water when we want to swim, take it out and store it under the sink on the dock when we don't need it and put it in the shed when we leave.  Maybe they will do it while they are down this weekend. Debbie and Ruby cleaned my house yesterday. So nice of them. They even visited for a little bit before they had to go home and get ready for a study.  Dwight bought some fresh corn today and had a feast for dinner. He had left-over grilled pork chops and potato soup from last night with the corn and butter. He said he hurt himself with the corn. I do love the first corn of the season. I am so ready to start eating again. I'm sure I will gain some of the weight I've lost back.  Miya is sound asleep on my legs, Dwight is snoring up a storm on the couch and I'm wide awake.  The pain is coming back so I'm waiting to take some pain med before I try to sleep again. Jessie told me there is a chance Doug's work schedule may change for the better starting next month.  At this point, he has been having to work some Saturdays which makes it hard to plan things for the weekend.  Hopefully starting next month, he will not have to work any Saturdays which will make it easier for them to come visit on the weekends.  Missing all my babies....

Come See, Come Saw.....

I've heard this phrase most of my life and decided to see where it came from. After typing come see, come saw in a google search I found - “Comme ci, comme ca” (pronounced “kohm see, kohm sah”) is a French phrase meaning, literally, “like this, like that.” That which is “comme si, comme sa” is barely adequate, better than nothing but not by much. To use the phrase properly one would extend their palm just above their waist and tilt it from side to side while saying “comme si, comme sa.”  At least I've always used it properly. I'm sad to say that is basically how I've been feeling since Friday night. Kelly went to Target last week and picked up a few tops and slacks for me to try on and see what my size is now. Then a package came right before she went home and it was some clothes she had ordered for me from J Jill. She returned the ones that were too big and washed the ones she liked on me and hung them up to dry before she left. She had ordered two dresses in tall and I had to explain why they were too long. I'm no longer tall! Then she went into my closet and got started pulling things out that no longer fit and putting them into a big bag for later. At one point, we were standing in the living room in our underpants and bras trying things on. Yeah - the biggest mirror in the house is in the living room. Dwight came home just in time to catch us in the middle of getting dressed again. That turned out to be my work-out that day. I could get tops over my head but had to have help getting them back off. I had to laugh as I thought about how many times I've pulled clothes over my children's heads. I was feeling so positive since Kelly had gotten me walking again but sadly, had another setback. At one point, I was afraid I had a virus of some kind and maybe I did. After thinking about it though I believe I may have caused it. After having my blood pressure checked throughout the week, I sent the results to my doctor who was pleased also. He wanted me to have it checked several more times but thinks I can stay off the medication. I asked him about another medication and he stressed that he didn't want me to change anything else too soon. In trying to figure out why I was feeling so bad, I think I know what has happened. I was already coming off one of the two narcotic drugs I've been on, then I started coming off the BP med and THEN - I decided to cut one of my pills I normally take back a little. I should have waited to cut that one back but it had been almost a week so I decided to suck up and let it ride. I will try to be more careful in the future.

Kelly was so relaxed when she went home and one reason is she had already taken Friday off. Her visit with us was pretty relaxing for her. She took an art class after she got home and sent me a picture of the results. I love it. I also love how relaxed her voice is these days. Yesterday was busy - I had Acupuncture at 11:00am, we stopped at Costco (I stayed in the car) to pick up Kleenex (I go through tons of those), papers towels and Ensure. Then Dwight drove me out to see Marlan for a few minutes. I also got to see her daughter Briana and beautiful granddaughters. I'm sitting in her rocking chair that I laid claim to many years ago when we first became friends. Briana keeps saying it is hers but I know it will be mine. Just kidding. Marlan and I both love comfortable rocking chairs. I have a picture of me in it holding her youngest son when he was a baby. She sat in the other rocking chair beside me and I started laughing as I thought about how we must look sitting there holding hands and rocking away. Dwight snapped a picture with his phone. I look forward to that time we will both be healthy again, sitting on a porch somewhere - maybe at Doug's house in the mountain or at the coast somewhere rocking and talking with a nice glass of KJ. I hope Kelly recognizes the top and pants she bought me. After we left Marlan's, we stopped by Judy's for her to check my BP. It was still good! She was outside with her youngest daughter's babies - they were swimming in a little pool. I see pictures of them all the time on FB but hardly get to see them up close and personal. Judy explained that Charli didn't have a bathing suit at her house so she was swimming in shorts. I instantly had a flashback memory I shared with Judy. My mother used to make me bloomer shorts out of chicken feed sack material. She also made me a dress one time. They put the feed in very nice fabric so women could use it to make their children clothes. In the summer time, I lived in little bloomer shorts and that's all. Our house was up the hill beside a little country store. My Mom sent me to the store to pick something up for her one day and as I was walking closer to the store, all of a sudden I realized I didn't have a top on. It had never bothered me before but I think I was five and all of a sudden, I felt embarrassed. I ran back to the house and got a shirt before I would go back. Judy laughed and said she had the very same experience when she was little. Always ran around with nothing on but shorts and then one day she realized she didn't have a shirt on. Simpler, innocent times. After we left Judy's we got to my dental appointment right on time. She could only be so thorough and noted that my mouth being so dry has made the plaque a lot worse. They want me back in four months - couldn't do x-rays because I can't get my mouth open far enough. It was good to see Wayne though. They have new colors for their scrubs - bright blue. They work so hard to make their patients feel comfortable. Wayne only works on Mondays and Wednesdays and I know the day is coming when he will probably retire. I'll be so sad when that happens. I've tried one of the new Ensure Clear drinks. I like the Blueberry/Pomegranate one. I also tried the Strawberry Shake for a change and it was nice too.  I also noticed I had another little bleed during my Acupuncture.  I have noticed a little difference in my mouth.  Still dry but every so often, it feels little like I'm making a tiny bit of spit.  I hope so.  I looking forward to eating again but know my body might take a little bit of time getting used to it.  Did not sleep well last night at all.  It took awhile getting my pain back under control since I went so long without it yesterday.  Dwight told me to take a nap today but I'm going to try and stay awake hoping I'll sleep better.  Waiting to call Marlan to see how her PET Scan went this morning.  I told her everything I could remember about mine.  Hope she gets answers and a plan being put in motion very soon.  Just got a text message from Patsy - she is back at the coast.  I'll miss her but am very happy for her.  They are going to paint this week. Can't wait to see what color she is going with.  I think that is everything.  Hopefully - I'm caught up on news for awhile. And again - if I've repeated myself about some things - just ignore it and keep on rocking.  Ciao!

Sixth day of the sixth month of 2012

Wow - almost halfway through the year. Now that I can actually say I'm getting better and believe it - the "real" world is rushing toward me pretty fast. Page got to town Saturday afternoon and BigD got an early start on Sunday morning for his long awaited fishing trip. We had a busy morning Monday. We missed our first appointment with the Dermatologist because we were running late. When they said it would be awhile for them to work us in, I realized I would have to reschedule because I had an appointment for a Physical. Everyone was excited to see Page when we got to Dr. Stu's office. I hate to say it but my beloved daughter "outed me" to Dr. Stu.  He asked if I was walking and I said - yes and Page said Mom, you have never lied to anyone in my whole life but you are telling a lie right now. I said - No I'm not and she said YES - you are.  I will call you and ask if you are walking and you say yeah - some. Then I call Daddy and ask him and he says - Nah - she says she is going to but the day goes by and she doesn't make it.  By now we are all laughing and I said to Dr. Stu - "but I have done it - in my heart". The good news from my physical was that considering what I've been through, I'm pretty healthy. More good news was Dr. Stu told me I could stop taking my BP medication this week as long as I had someone who could take it every day this week with a real BP cuff and it stays normal. Enter my dear friend who just happens to be a nurse. So far, my BP has been great so I'm hoping that will be one less pill I'll have to take. The mail brought me more than my usual cards from Rose and Cat - Lin sent me a card with sweet gifts - more of my beloved dragonflies!  Page ordered lovely gifts for Katarina and Ann for cleaning my house so good  several weeks ago.   I fell totally in love with both of them.  She ordered them from Esty and got herself one too.  We drove out to the farm to see Ann and family Monday night.  On the way we stopped so Page could give Katarina her gift. We were glad to see her hubby too.  I know they are having a hard time right now - still in the wait and see mode for a real diagnoses from the latest biopsy. This is her bracelet. It is made from sterling silver utensils. I tried it on and loved it. They cut the pretty part with the design off, punch holes in the small ends, run a loop through it with very strong little magnets that hold it tight. She loved it as I knew she would. After talking with them a few minutes, we drove to the farm. As always, as soon as we cross the river, my breathing slows down and I start feeling so calm. This is Ann's bracelet and she loved hers too. Mae came down for dinner so I got to visit with her awhile too. There was a "little" accident with a piece of furniture but overall, it was a great evening. My camera isn't taking very good pictures lately. These are the only two that aren't blurry and they aren't great.This one of Page and Biscuit in her little bed. Both of the kids have the coolest rooms.Boy and Biscuit play well together but an older brother needs his "space" from time to time. :-)I did learn that I still need to be able to push my upper body back to really relax. Keith found a picture of a folding chair we think will work when I'm away from home but now he has to find where to buy it. The weather has been delicious - warm sun with cool air and a breeze. Page and Keith went for a three mile walk yesterday afternoon. Later, Ann, Boy, Biscuit and Keith came over for dinner. Page made guacamole followed by spaghetti and broccoli. It was nice being with everyone. I was SO happy and relieved to see Roseanne and Kadee today. She is tired and a little sore but mostly "put out" as Mama would say. There has been so many things rushing at her lately and it is getting to be just a little too much. I was happy to hear that Fran is going to come up and spend the night with her. I know they will enjoy each other. So Page is having dinner with a workmate, BigD will be home tomorrow afternoon and Page will fly home a little later. I have so enjoyed having her here and will miss her.