Emotions.......

Whew - the face shows so many different emotions and most are okay to show when appropriate. The hard part is when we are required to keep our emotions bottled up so they don't show on our face - then we can go into the back yard, woods, in the shower, in the car and let those emotions out. Even when they start slipping out when you don't want them to, you "suck-up" and rein them back in until you can feel free to laugh, cry, sob, rant, rage or wail at the moon. There are also those time you have to watch someone you love work hard to keep their emotions "in-check" which makes you want to work even harder to keep yours in check to help them do it. A lot of you know I am out of state visiting my oldest sister Ann and her lovely family. I rented a car and drove to Kurt and Leah's and spent the night Sunday. Early Monday, Leah, Page and I struck out on some beautiful mountain roads heading North. Even though we hit rain and had to take a few "potty-breaks", we made pretty good time and our GPS brought us right to the front door where Lolo was outside waving to us. It made me think of the time my family was driving back home from a visit with friends in Buffalo and were going to stop in to have lunch with Ann and her family. She was outside waving both arms above her head as we drove up and again as we drove away. I will post more later about our trip with pictures. For now, I just need to go ahead and write down the hard news. As you all know, Ann has been fighting Endometrial Cancer for about 3 years including radiation, chemo and other treatments. This time it has bounded back with a vengeance causing one lung to collapse, a bacterial infection and pain. She has dealt with rheumatoid arthritis since she was 23 and the treatments have been pretty hard on her small 75 year old body. My nephew and his lovely family live right next door so we are staying with them (they don't use air conditioning because Ann gets chilled easily) and this old lady can't endure that but so long before she has to trot back over here for some AC. This last hospital stay was pretty much the last straw for her. She went to her oncologist this morning and basically said -"I'm done". I hate that she has lived a minimum of 10 hours (driving) away from all of us for almost 50 years. She hates that she always believed our family would never have to deal with cancer and now not only does she have it but one of her baby sisters (me) has it too. She has fought hard - mostly for her 11 year old grandson but she is ready to settle for pain management, vitamins to give her energy and enjoying whatever time she has left. When I realized she was leaning in this direction, I rented a car and drove up to visit for a few days. I've realized - it is one thing to say - "we will respect any decision you make and support it", but it another to face the reality of that decision being made. I'm glad I am here with her son and his family and that I have one more day to lay on the bed talking to her about our memories of our childhoods (she is 12 years older) and our parents and family. I'm in awe of her strength and hope I will demonstrate the same strength when I need it to be there for her family. I am sad we had to settle for short visits and hour long phone calls. When my Mom died, I became the "go-to" connection with her and have enjoyed getting to know her better. But today, just for now - just color me S A D.